Do you fantasize about giving someone control over you? Does the thought of being told what to do turn you on? Do you wish for a lover to baby you? If so, you are probably submissive. Even if the idea of pain makes you say “ow” instead of “oo.”
There are a number of roles in the world of kink and BDSM (see our article Top, Bottom, Dominant, Submissive, Sadist, Masochist – What’s the Difference? for all their definitions). As a sub, you’re not interested in being the one with the overt power. BDSM is a complex acronym that refers to a variety of kinky behaviors including:
- Bondage and Discipline: You enjoy being tied up, restrained, deprived of senses. That kind of thing.
- Dominance and Submission: When one person gives power to another person.
- Sadism and Masochism: Giving or receiving pain because it’s sexy.
BDSM is a spectrum, and not everyone on it is into everything described here. Of course you can be kinky and not into pain, just like you can be kinky and not into dominating people. If you get excited at the thought of being held down during sex, being given a list of chores to do, or being made to crawl instead of walk, you definitely have submissive tendencies. And if you can figure out how to channel them properly, your sexual satisfaction is likely to go through the roof.
So, how do you get from curious to kinky?
Step 1: Identify Your Submissive Desires
Make a written list of the things you want to experience. What fantasy scenarios really do it for you? The things that might turn you on are basically infinite. Consider how you feel about being:
- Restrained, tied up, held down or caged
- Controlled, denied an orgasm or made to ask permission to come
- Assigned tasks
- Punished for misdeeds. Like with corner time or writing standards.
- Called names or humiliated
- Given a special pet name
- Required to give access to your phone, emails or location
This list is not exhaustive but it’s a good way to start getting a feel for your personal submission style. Identify your Hell Yeses and Hell Noes (now referred to as your hard limits). Add any fantasies that might be missing from this list. Don’t censor yourself. This is still just between you and you. Consider any maybes. Is there anything appealing about them? Are they things you might try under certain circumstances?
Based on your answers, you may be any or all of the following:
- A sexual submissive is someone who gets off on being used, taking instruction, or being of service in bed.
- A service submissive is someone who enjoys performing tasks for the Dominant, such as household chores.
- A little is someone who enjoys being petted, indulged, spoiled, or punished like a child (also sometimes called a Baby Girl/Boy).
- A furry is someone who wants to be treated like an animal (also sometimes called a “pet”).
- An online submissive is someone who wants a non-physical relationship.
Again, this is not an exhaustive list. But these are some of the most common Dom/sub dynamics for those who do not enjoy pain.
Step 2: Communicate Your Submissive Desires
Whether you’re single, dating or seeking a formal D/s arrangement, you will need to be clear that pain is a hard limit for you. Therefore, this means it is not up for negotiation and is something you don’t do. Of course, it also means you need to be specific about what pain-free services you have to offer.
Here are a few possibilities:
- Make yourself sexually available whenever your Dominant requires.
- Perform oral sex upon command or on a schedule.
- Let them position you in bed or hold you down or tie you up.
- You agree to sleep only in the nude or in sexy lingerie.
- Upon entering the home, you agree to take your clothes off immediately.
- Your Dominant makes you climax repeatedly.
- Your Dominant can forbid you to touch yourself sexually.
- Upon command, your Dominant can require you to display your body to their guests, or perhaps serve cocktails topless or in a French maid’s outfit.
- Have sex in front of anyone your Dominant selects.
- You Dominant can share you sexually with anyone they select.
- You might perform regular household chores.
- Run errands as assigned.
- Your Dominant could require you to take over all their phone calls and handle all their mail.
- Be at your Dominant’s beck and call – perhaps wearing a Donna Reed dress or Cary Grant tuxedo, fetching martinis and canapés.
- Spend playtime in a babydoll romper with your toys. Pout when you’re sad. Clap when you’re excited. Let your Dom/me pamper you like the sweet little thing you are.
- Dress and/or behave like an animal. This might mean a furry full-body costume or a butt plug with a tail. Romp around. Your Dominant gives you scratches behind the ear when you’re good and scolds you when you’re naughty.
- Eat or drink from a bowl on the floor with no hands.
- Sleep at the foot of the bed. Or in a cage.
- Perform writing assignments such as essays or repeating sentences (Bart Simpson–style).
- Video chat regularly, and display yourself as instructed during the call.
- Text naughty pics of yourself whenever instructed.
- Go to work without underwear.
- Begin each evening together by kneeling before your Dom/me.
- Only use the bathroom with permission.
- Ask permission to make solo social plans.
- Ask permission to orgasm.
The possibilities are excitingly diverse. Zero in on the items which spark your interest and offer to try them. Pay attention to your reactions and give feedback. Discover your unique style of submission through personal experience.
Step 3: Agree on Consequences
Obviously, since your Dominant won’t punish you with pain, you’ll need to decide what sort of punishments you’ll accept if you fall short in your agreements.
- Sexual submissives might be denied sexual pleasure for a time.
- Domestics might get extra chores do their chores in the nude.
- Littles could get a time out or sit in the corner.
- Any submissive can be deprived of something they enjoy, such as coffee, screen time or sweets.
Submission, like any sexual relationship, requires communication and boundaries. But you don’t need to want pain to be submissive. As we’ve seen above, all you need is the desire to give up control to another person and revel in the sensation of surrender. So open your mind, let go and submit.
If you liked this article, find more information about the Dom/sub world with What’s A Scene? How to Successfully Negotiate a BDSM Scene. Curious about the other side? Check out The Beginner’s Guide to Domination. And don’t forget, safety first! How To Use Safewords: Sexy Traffic Signals on Your Kinky Journey.