Dominating your partner doesn’t have to be terrifying
So you and a partner have been getting into some kinky stuff lately, and now your person wants you to try dominating them. If your first response is something like “Help, what do I do?!?” then you’ve come to the right place.
Some people’s fantasies have always included ordering people around, controlling them in some way, or being served. These folks might take to dominance like a duck to water. But for most of us, it might be more like a duck to a clothing store. It’s easy to feel lost, out of your element, and like nothing fits.
Here’s a step by step on how to start swimming.
Talk to your partner
With kink, the first three rules are “communicate, communicate, communicate.” Fantasies – particularly submissive fantasies – can be hand-wavy and vague, and every scene needs negotiation!
Ask some key questions to find out what your partner is actually looking for:
- “When you think about me dominating you, what does that look like in your head?”
- “How do you want to feel?” (Controlled, humiliated, cherished, tested, some combination?)
- “What roles are we playing in your fantasy?” (Teacher/student, doctor/patient, mistress or master/slave, etc.)
- How do you imagine the climax of the scene? (Orgasm, tears, etc.)
The more details you can get, the better you’ll know what they mean when they say “dominate me!”
Do what you want
If you’re having trouble getting into a dominant mindset, remember that dominance is about control. Of course it’s also about what the submissive wants, but if you’re not into it, it’s not going to work!
During your negotiation, notice what you’re feeling. Does anything they say sound hot to you? Maybe you get a rush thinking about them looking up at you from their knees. Maybe you like the idea of them serving you drinks and rubbing your feet, or maybe them going down on you while you have them on a leash makes your toes curl. Remember: dominance works best when the person dominating is really into it.
Practice makes perfect
If you’ve never swung a flogger or tied someone up, using toys can be intimidating! Nobody gets turned on by getting their eye knocked out. So if you’re going to use toys, practice alone first: know what a toy actually feels like before you whack somebody else with it.
Start small and simple. Hitting an ass with a paddle is a lot easier than cracking a singletail whip on a back. A soft flogger is a lot more forgiving than a rattan cane. And don’t forget your first and best dominance tool: your own hands, feet, and body.
Walk the walk
A big part of dominance is appearance and attitude. “Looking the part” isn’t the most important thing, but costuming can help you get into the mood and “fake it ‘til you make it.”
What makes you feel tough, sexy, in control? Maybe it’s a leather corset and thigh high boots. Or it could be well-fitting jeans and a tight t-shirt. Or nothing but sexy underwear and motorcycle boots. Choose an outfit at the intersection of their fantasy and your badassery, and an aura of power will follow.
Talk the talk
The most common first-timer worry is “but what do I saaaaaay?!” Luckily, there are a few simple rules for dominant dirty talk, and it’s much easier than you think to get it right.
- Tell them what you’re going to do, tell them what you’re doing, and tell them what you did. Just like the old teaching rule, this works amazingly and requires very little creativity. “I’m gonna smack that sweet ass.” “Ooo…look at that, it gets all pink when I smack it.” Gasp! “What happened? Did I smack that ass? You noticed that one, huh?” The more you narrate your own actions – and their reactions – the more you escalate and highlight the experience.
- Comment on them. This can be admiration: “Look at this little thing you wore for me. That’s so sweet.” Or threat: “Oh, that’s a nice sound you made. I love it when you hurt for me.” Or humiliation: “What a pathetic slave you are.”
- Order them around. “Train” your sub to serve you according to your specifications. “Stand up straight.” “Eyes down.” “Did I tell you to move?” “On your knees.” Simple commands, and adjustments to them, can take you far.
- Be quiet. Silence is another powerful tool. When you get more experienced, you can use it on purpose, but silence also works if you can’t think of what to say. Stay focused, move slowly, and keep your submissive guessing what you’ll do next!
Keep it simple
Craft a scene ahead of time that has a beginning, middle, and end. The simpler it is, the less can go wrong. Decide, for example, that you’ll cuff them, have them kneel, touch and admire them for a while, then finish up with you-in-charge sex. Or have them get over your knee, spank them, then comfort them.
Don’t include too many elements at first – just do something where you can stay confidently in control. This has the added benefit of making the first scene more successful, and leaving them wanting more. Agree to check in with each other as you go through your first scene. Eye contact and a simple nod can help you both stay in your roles while keeping safe.
When you’re done, make sure to reconnect, come back to normal space, and see how it went for both of you. You may both need aftercare: you’re sharing new, vulnerable sides of yourselves for the first time. Be gentle with yourself, and with each other.
Maybe one of you had more fun than the other. You may find that you have a dominant side after all! Or it may all feel a bit silly and not work for you. Don’t stress out too much. There’s so much to explore in kink, and for every two people, there are a million possibilities. Have fun!