By Domina Doll
Do you have secret erotic fantasies? A dark dirty secret that makes your heart skip a beat, leaves you weak in the knees and wet (or hard) between the thighs?
Maybe it is something so naughty and secret you even hide it from yourself. Or, perhaps you are aware of it, and often fantasize about it, but would never attempt to do it in real life. Or, maybe, just maybe, you have built up the courage to explore these darker desires but just don’t know how or where to start? Then again, you may not know exactly what erotic fantasies your heart desires, but are interested in exploring your options?
Whether you know what you like, or don’t have a clue, I’ve put together the top most popular erotic fantasies for women, men and everyone in between to inspire you.
See if any of these hot erotic fantasies pique your fancy. 😉
Everyone Has a Secret Erotic Fantasy!
According to Wendy Maltz, sex therapist and author of Garden of Desire: The Intimate World of Women’s Sexual Fantasies and Private Thoughts : Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, approximately “95 percent of men and women” have secret erotic fantasies, which are “a normal, natural psychological phenomenon, [that] function to decrease anxiety about sex and increase sexual interest and arousal. Thanks to our erotic imagination, we all have this wonderful, built-in helper that can enhance our sexual experiences.”[i]
She also says that men and women have very similar fantasies as well, except that men focus more on the visual and sexual aspects of “impersonal sexual escapades”, whereas women tend to focus more on romantic emotions, “relationship dynamics”, foreplay and touch. Women’s fantasies also revolve around the senses, including scent and sounds.[ii]
Not only are fantasies normal, they also help us to enjoy sex and desire more. According to Robert W. Birch, Ph.D. Sexologist & Adult Sexuality Educator, “Fantasies can induce sexual desire, maintain sexual arousal, enhance the sexual experience, trigger an orgasm, and preserve a memory.”[iii]
Even so-called kinky or unusual fantasies are normal and harmless, says, Birch, as long as “there is no compulsion to actually experience an act that would be emotionally or physically harmful to oneself or to others.”
Psychology Today notes that most fantasies are not dangerous, provided they don’t become a preoccupation that “interferes with daily life or causes significant mental distress.”[iv]
Certified sex coach Gigi Engle, and author of All The Fucking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life, says we should embrace our fantasies more: “The more we talk sexual fantasy and normalize the conversation, the less we’ll beat ourselves up for having twisty, sexual, steamy [thoughts].[v]
Sounds good to me!
What Are the Most Popular Sexual Fantasies?
Justin J. Lehmiller Ph.D., and author if the book Tell Me What You Want: The Science Of Sexual Desire And How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life, surveyed over 4,175 Americans and found 97% had sexual fantasies.
So, without further ado, here are the seven most common themes.
1. Multi-partner Sex: Threesomes, Group Sex, Orgies and Swinging
Threesomes, group sex and orgies, Oh My!
Yep. Lehmiller says, according to his study that 89% had threesome fantasies, 74% had orgy fantasies, and 61% fantasized about gangbangs.
It is no surprise that men enjoy the idea of a Manage a Trios, or having sex with two women and it is one of the most popular fantasies among men. Many men are fascinated by the idea of having two women seduce him, or just the visual act of watching two women having sex together, with him in the middle of the erotic tryst of course!
Women also enjoy the idea of being part of a threesome as well. Being the focus of erotic desire is a fantasy many women share. So, the more the merrier as they say! She may enjoy the fantasy of an audience to watch her fulfill her wanton sexploits, as she is ravaged as a sexual object which makes her feel wanted, sexy and desired. These types of fantasies also contain elements of the forbidden.
2. Power Dynamics, Control and Rough Sex
BDSM, power dynamics and rough sex was second on Lehmiller’s list[vi], which is not surprising given the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey, the fastest selling novel for adults all time with over 125 million copies of the trilogy sold worldwide[vii] and grossing over $1.320 billion for the films[viii].
Lehmiller “found 93% of women and 81% of men had fantasized about being sexually dominated [while] 85% of men and 76% of women had fantasized about being sexually dominant.”[ix] In addition, 75% reported having bondage fantasies, making it the top BDSM fantasy among men and women. Lehmiller also noted that many group sex fantasies also contained elements of BDSM as well, so these two types of fantasies “go hand and hand”.
One of the most popular fantasies for women according to Nancy Friday, author of My Secret Garden (1973), is the surrender of control, which involves “being taken” against her will, or even “rape” fantasies. This type of fantasy in no way means she wants to be raped in real life, rather, it is the thrill of surrendering control so she can become the object of desire with the freedom of having wanton sex. In this way, she can surrender to pleasure without any sexual guilt, and still be a “good” girl, because she is powerless, even though in truth she is completely controlling the fantasy.
Researchers from the University of North Texas[x] found that 62% of women have rape fantasies, while in another study[xi]”, women were thought to fantasize about rape as a form of “sexual blame avoidance”. The theory goes that socially women are taught not to be promiscuous, so “rape” fantasies allow them to not be responsible for their sexual desires, and therefore they can fantasize about hot sex guilt free.
“Whether you are being raped, ravished, abducted, tied up, spanked, teased, forced to dress like a slut or led around on a leash as the slave of a powerful, sexy Master or Mistress, in a submission fantasy, you get to be made to do or get what you secretly desire.”[xii]—Secret Sexual Fantasies by Susan Block
For men, women in authority or being dominated by women can be an exciting turn-on as well. Many men dream of having a powerful, authoritative woman controlling them in fantasies that involve sissification, cuckolding, forced “bi” scenarios, roleplaying and even blackmailing types of fantasies.[xiii]
3. Novelty, Adventure and Variety
Wanting to try something new in the bedroom is no surprise. After all, sex can get predictable sometimes, especially in long term relationships where we do the same old thing all the time.
Been there, done that!
So, trying out different ways to have sex like new sexual positions or unusual settings can be a big thrill. Even just changing up which room in the house you have sex in can be very spontaneous and sexy.
Or how about the popular, sex on a beach? Sex in public, according to Lehmiller is another popular fantasy with 81% of men and 84% of women aroused by this fantasy. For some, the thrill of maybe getting caught or exhibition fantasies may make up a large part of the appeal.
Dr. Ava Cadell, suggests that having sex in risky places can boost your sex drive: “Surprise your lover by making a date to have sex in a new place like the pool, on a secluded beach, in the woods, in the backseat of a car, on a boat, in a store dressing room, in the highest seats at a sports game, in a restaurant restroom, on the kitchen counter or even during a thunderstorm, just so long as it’s exciting and erotic.”[xiv]
Getting caught having sex in public by the police in reality however, is never fun (well, at least to most of us), so be careful where you attempt to explore this sexual fantasy!
Other fantasies that fall under the umbrella of novelty and adventure included oral sex, anal sex, and even trying out a new sex toy.
For many men, having their penis sucked by a willing and eager participant is the ultimate fantasy (rated #2 as the top fantasy by 88% of men in one study[xv]). Men often fixate on body parts when having fantasies, and seeing their cock between a pair of sexy lips is always sure to please. So, if you want to fulfill this top fantasy, give him lip service.
Anal sex, including pegging, is another thrilling way to change up your sexual routines. While, anal sex has historically been a taboo and seen as forbidden, dirty or bad (even illegal!), many guys fantasize about sodomy as the anal intruder, or the one experiencing anal pleasure. Not to mention men can enjoy wonderful P-spot (prostate gland) pleasure, as a bonus of being on the receiving end of anal play.
4. Taboo Activities
Taboo activities used to fall under paraphilias, by the mental health community, but are now just considered unusual or uncommon. However, Lehmiller says this “forbidden fruit” may not be as uncommon as you might think.
Once considered taboo, feet, shoes, stockings, boots, and panty fetishes are common sexual interests. The most popular of taboos are consensual exhibitionism (flashing someone or similar to public sex) and non-consensual voyeurism (i.e.: Peeping Toms).
Women’s fantasies of watching or being watched take many forms. Susan Block suggests that these fantasies come from “breaking through the strong social taboo of visual privacy.”[xvi]
Sometimes women are aroused by the idea of secretly watching their lover having sex with “the other woman” or perhaps a prostitute. Often, however, they are the ones on display. Sexual fantasies of being objectified and transformed into erotic objects or “eye candy” beneath the “male” gaze are very popular among women. These types of fantasies tend to be empowering and make women feel desired rather than subjugated.
“[Exhibition fantasies] correlate to the desire to feel sexy, garner attention, be admired, feel appreciated and be objectified,” says Dr. Jess O’Reilly. “It’s the desire to indulge in the taboo element of sharing publicly that which has been rendered overwhelmingly private; for some this may facilitate the shedding of shameful messages associated with sex. Also, an association with power; as you embrace your sexuality for others to see, you may experience feelings of empowerment and control.”[xvii]
It is no wonder that our culture is so obsessed with “selfies”, as the need to be desired or seek erotic attention is quite evident.
5. Non-monogamous Relationships
Lehmiller placed non-monogamous relationships at number six on the list. “Ethical Non-Monogamy” or open relationships such as swinging, polyamory, wife-swapping (or hotwifing) and cuckold relationships, have become very popular in the past few years and is considered by some sex researchers to be a “millennial” thing. However, men and women have both had these types of fantasies since, like, forever.
Open relationships was top on this list, with 79% of men and 62% of women “open” to the idea, followed by polygamy (70% men and 51% women) and swinging (66% men and 45% women).
Cuckolding and hotwifing are becoming increasingly popular on men’s fantasies, with cuckold porn being the second most searched for erotic fantasy on the internet.[xviii] Lehmiller believes that “cuckold fantasies might have multiple motivations”. For some men it is a symbol of power having a hot sexy wife that other men desire. For others, it may be a biological urge, which results in more active sperm production. Or, as Dan Savage suggest, it may simply be “an eroticization of men’s anxiety that his wife will cheat.”[xix]
A whopping 58% of men showed an interest in the cuckold fantasy, with men enjoying watching, while women desired to be watched. In many cuckold fantasies, the man also desires to be humiliated, with elements of submission and masochism, including being mocked for having a small penis.
Interestingly enough, Lehmiller says all these types of fantasies offer variety, but also allow us to expand and grow by having new experiences (self-expansion theory).
6. Intimacy, Romance & Passion
These types of fantasies would seem to be a no-brainer, as the popularity of the fictional romance industry would suggest. I mean, who doesn’t want more passion, romance and intimacy in their love life? Yes, please (me)! These kinds of fantasies have to do with emotional, rather than physical fulfillment. Lehmiller notes that this is a basic human need, only second to survival itself!
“It’s really that important. In fact, when our need to belong isn’t met, our physical health and psychological well-being deteriorate. And if we go for a prolonged period of time without meeting this need for social connection, there could potentially even be implications for how long we live.”[xx]
The need to feel loved, appreciated and desired is very important to our emotional wellbeing.
Passion is another strong emotion that plays out in women’s fantasies, especially having sex with a stranger. In Friday’s book, My Secret Garden, sex with a stranger was the number one female erotic fantasy.
Why? It has the element of suspense and the thrilling aspect of danger, making it super-hot and liberating. The anonymity of this fantasy reduces the relationship to a “purely physical one” says Friday, “[While] it heightens romance and adds drama; it increases pleasure and eliminates guilt, fantasy’s enemy.”[xxi]
No strings attached, no worries about ever meeting in person, no STDs or unwanted pregnancies, your imagination is the only limit and almost anything could happen.
7. Homoeroticism & Gender-bending
This final category entails homosexual and lesbian or bisexual fantasies, as well as pushing the boundaries of our gender roles, identities and expression.
Sapphic Love is a popular fantasy, even among straight women with 59% of them having these fantasies. There may be many reasons for this such as the thrill or taboo of trying something new, the allure of a more sensual kind of romantic experience, or that a woman may know how to pleasure a female body better than a man.
Given the popularity of “lesbian” porn (the most popular search term of all time according to Pornhub, by women of all sexual orientations including straight women)[xxii], it makes sense that women would include this as one of their top fantasies.
From the heterosexual men who had gay fantasies (26%), much of the time it was in the form of a threesome with another woman present (MMF scenario), perhaps, as Lehmiller suggests, because it was less threatening to their sense of masculinity.
Gender-bending fantasies include crossdressing, feminization, genderplay or having sex with a transgender or transexual partner. In many of these fantasies, there is “an element of dominance-submission and/or humiliation involved…[and] it is almost exclusively men who want to be “feminized” by a dominant female partner.”[xxiii] Incidentally, 25% of men and women had crossdressing fantasies.
For women who fantasized about becoming a male, the intrigue was more about being in a position of power and feeling of dominance.
In transexual fantasies, where a person’s sexual partner has both a penis and vagina, the key to arousal “was the juxtaposition of masculine and feminine body features.”[xxiv] Of men, 33% had fantasies about having sex with a transexual whereas 25% of women had the same fantasy.
Is It Healthy to Explore Your Fantasies in Real Life?
According to Nancy Friday, most male and female sexual fantasies revolve around submission and dominance, or some surrender of control. Many sexual practices that are associated with paraphilias (or deviant sex) are becoming widely recognized as different and diverse forms of sexual play, or kinky sex, rather than a form of psychological deviancy. When practiced safety, sanely and between consensual adults, these acts are considered by most to be just another form of sexual expression.
The fact is, all men and women have sexual fantasies. Many of these remain private and only are played out in the mind. However, many people indulge in their sexual fantasies with their partners. Sexual fantasies are normal, and even healthy, and for the most part, as long as they are not “hurting” someone else (or yourself), are completely okay.
Fantasies can definitely have positive effects. They are a good way to explore alternate sexual realities without ever taking the plunge in real life. They are also a way of rehearsing future sexual experiences. For some, they may be empowering, affirming and even healing.
“Sexual fantasies can be keys that unlock the doors of your repressed personal history. They can help you to cope with your real-life problems, just as your dreams do, though they tend to do it when you’re awake. They can help you work through past trauma or abuse, operating like an erotic painkiller on negative, hurtful memories.”[xxv]
Conversely, some fantasies may be disturbing and bring up scary emotions. While many fantasies spring from our erotic imagination, others may rise up unwanted from the murky depths of our subconscious. We often don’t have control on what we fantasize about, or where our fantasies come from.
You can, however, control how you act upon those fantasies. Just because you have a fantasy, doesn’t mean you have to try it in real life.
Should Your Share Your Erotic Fantasies?
Sometimes a person’s fantasy is something they will want to keep secret and never want to try in real life. However, given the popularity of Fifty Shades’, many men and women are now exploring and sharing their fantasies more than ever with their significant others.
But it is ultimately up to you whether you have the level of trust you need with your partner to share what goes on in your erotic mind. Some fantasies are meant to stay secret. While it may open up new erotic avenues of exploration for you and your partner, it could also can guilt, shame or even hurt. Sharing a fantasy is a very vulnerable experience, so be very careful with whom you share yours with.
The Good News Is…
Having fantasies are a natural part of sexuality. Sexy thinking keeps our libido alive and makes you ready for hot sex with your partner. So, don’t discount the power of your sexual fantasies.
And, remember… No-one needs to know but you! 😉
Want to Explore Your Sexual Fantasies even deeper?
“Fantasies and role playing can play a key role in unleashing passion and erotic, playful sexuality. This course covers some common and unusual fantasies, what triggers them and how to make them come true creatively. Discover how getting into character can be an effective communication tool for many couples, and how fantasy and role-playing can help to shed inhibitions for deeper intimacy.”
[vi] Lehmiller, Justin J.. Tell Me What You Want (p. 19). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
[vii] https://en.wikipedia.org › wiki › Fifty_Shades_of_Grey
[xv] Normal Male Sexual Fantasies. https://www.businessinsider.com/normal-male-sexual-fantasies-2014-11
[xx] Lehmiller, Justin J.. Tell Me What You Want (p. 55). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
[xxi] “My Secret Garden” (1973) by Nancy Friday
[xxiii] Lehmiller, Justin J.. Tell Me What You Want (p. 62). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
[xxiv] Lehmiller, Justin J.. Tell Me What You Want (p. 65). Hachette Books. Kindle Edition.
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