Revealing that you’ve never had an orgasm can feel like admitting you don’t know how to swim, drive or make coffee. It just seems like everyone else is doing it all the time. If you’ve yet to meet the Big O face to face, don’t stress! We promise that it’s not just you, it’s normal and also, with practice, totally doable.
Lauren Streicher, MD, author of Sex Rx: Hormones, Health, and Your Best Sex Ever told Health.com, “If you’ve never had an orgasm, you are part of a very large group of women. You are not weird, you are not strange, there’s likely nothing wrong with you, and in all but very exceptional cases, this can be alleviated and you can get there.”
But why do so many of us struggle to achieve what’s supposed to be the sexual finale? According to Healthline, it’s most likely to be an issue with expectations, communication or method. So if you’re troubleshooting your orgasm, it’s best to start there. Examine each of these elements for clues on what might be holding you back, then create your own personal orgasm playbook.
Since long before Harry met Sally and she scandalized a diner with her climactic performance, we’ve been told that an orgasm is an earth-shattering experience accompanied by screaming, gasping and flailing. And sometimes it is. Other times, however, it’s just…really nice.
By definition, says gynecologist Dr. Sherry Ross MD on Health.com, an orgasm is “a physical reflex that occurs when muscles tighten during sexual arousal and then relax through a series of rhythmic contractions.” That’s it. Muscles tighten. Muscles release. No screaming necessary. Just a lovely rhythm.
Expectations can also derail your climax if you expect not to have one. One of the reasons for the “orgasm gap” between men and women is that men tend to expect to come when they have sex, whereas women hope to.
If you’re trying to come for the first time, though, it may help to release the expectation of getting there. I know. That sounds like the opposite of what I just wrote, but stay with me. It’s easier to read your body’s road map when you’re not stressing about how long it’s taking to reach the destination. Many women finally succeed when they commit to enjoying the journey. Coming should be the natural end to a pleasurable experience – and there’s nothing pleasurable about feeling like you’re failing a sex test.
Things to Try:
- A mantra: “I will come when my body is ready.”
- Get real about what an orgasm is. Read about other women’s orgasmic experiences. Watch educational films on sexual health in women. Talk to your lady friends about their orgasms.
- Tone your sex muscles in the pelvic floor with yoga, pilates or Kegel exercises.
- Challenge yourself to see how long you can masturbate without climaxing. Dedicate a whole night to the process of experimenting with your own joy zones, but don’t try to have an orgasm. If you accidentally come, we won’t tell.
Lots of us find it hard to talk about sex. Whether it’s being uncomfortable with the vocabulary or not wanting to hurt a partner’s feelings, many of us are missing out on perfectly good orgasms because we don’t know how to ask for what we want in bed. This is no time to be shy. Orgasms favor the bold.
Your partner probably wants you to come and would love you to tell them exactly how to make that happen. So, if you need a different stroke or angle, speak up! If you’ve been faking your orgasms, come clean. Take a deep breath and say: “I’m embarrassed to admit this but I’ve never actually had an orgasm and I’d really like to.” You’ll feel better, and you’ll be on the path to O-Town.
Things to Try:
- A mantra: “My partner wants to help me come.”
- If you’re tongue-tied in bed, turn to erotica for some sexy new words to try out.
- Take your partner’s hand and show them how you want to be touched.
- Tell your partner not to do anything unless you specifically request it in words, then tell them exactly what you want.
It’s possible you haven’t come because you haven’t learned the ideal combo of touch and thought that makes your bell ring. Since you are one of a kind, there’s no one-size-fits-all manual. You’re just going to have to tinker around until you find the magic recipe. Your magic recipe. This means you’re going to want to masturbate. And often.
There are different ways a woman’s body can come, but the clitoral orgasm is the starter orgasm. Your clitoris is outside your body and therefore easily accessed. And since its only biological function is to make you feel good, start using it for its intended purpose.
If you’ve yet to meet your clitoris, take a hand mirror to bed and have a look. It’s a small hood of tissue which protrudes slightly from between your vaginal lips, near the top of your vulva. It’s the tiny little nerve center of your sex machine. Lie back, lube up and play with yourself. Experiment with different kinds of pressure, angles and direction. Try up and down, side to side, circles or writing out the alphabet.
Some clits need a lot of sustained pressure. Some need intense stimulation like pinching or slapping. While some can’t tolerate being touched directly and need to be approached from the side. Write your own user manual so that you can share it with lovers.
Finally, don’t forget about your brain. Lot of orgasms result from having the right mental image. Think about what turns you on or watch porn if you need inspiration. Read erotic stories. Think about past encounters. Think about fantasy hookups. Anything goes in your brain, so let loose.
Things To Try:
- A mantra: “This feels good.”
- Stimulate your clitoris while watching with a hand mirror.
- Treat yourself to a vibrator.
- Read erotica written for women.
- Take a class in women’s sexuality.
- Challenge yourself to find a new way to touch yourself.
- The next time you feel horny, masturbate. Don’t wait. Go into a bathroom stall if you have to, but make it happen.
Orgasms aren’t magical or mandatory. But they shouldn’t be mysterious or intimidating either. They’re just a normal physical response to being excited. They feel great and you deserve to have them. So do the work of learning what it takes to get you there. And go there again and again.