“Safewords” are a popular enough concept that you may have heard jokes about them on network TV. Basically, it’s a word you and a kinky partner choose – something you wouldn’t ever say during sex, like “rutabaga” or “Zuckerberg.” If one of you says it during playtime, everything stops until you’ve checked in. But there’s more to safewords than an emergency brake pull. Here’s a rundown of some ways safewords can make your play safer and hotter.
“Cacao!”
Especially if you’re playing with someone for the first time, you never know what things might make a scene go sideways. Maybe that new toy your boyfriend bought hurts way more than you expected! Maybe you burst into tears, and not in the hot way. Or maybe your girlfriend is suspending you in the doorframe and is just tying the final knots when the lights go out in the neighborhood. The safeword above is a Portlandia reference (watch the skit here), but whatever word you choose, it’s a handy “eject button” if you need it.
Having the safeword available helps everyone to relax and try things they might be afraid of because a single word puts a stop to all of it. You can also play with saying “no” or “stop” or “please, you’re hurting me!” without worrying it will end the scene. What would normally sound like lack of consent becomes part of sexy roleplay – or a chance for a bottom to test their limits.
Stop at the red light
A common set of safewords is the traffic light system – red means stop, yellow means slow down, and green means keep going. These are handy if you don’t feel like coming up with something more elaborate. It’s also useful because other people in kinky communities are usually familiar with it.
This increases the safety level for a couple of reasons. New and casual players can use “red” and “yellow” in a pinch and their partners are likely to know them. Plus, if you’re playing in public, others can hear and understand these safewords. If someone doesn’t hear or respect the safeword, or if a medical emergency happens, “red” can alert others that you need help.
“Yellow” keeps it mellow
Not all things that go wrong in a scene mean that you want to stop it completely! Sometimes your hand is going numb in bondage, or your partner is putting pressure on your knee, or the pain is escalating faster than you want. A “yellow” safeword is handy if you just need a quick break, a specific check-in, or a lower intensity. It’s a quick way for both partners to be alert, relieve the issue, and keep going.
A “yellow” allows a scene to continue without interrupting headspace, or making the people in the scene drop out of their roles. It can also help a top refine what they’re doing in the moment so that both parties can have a better experience.
Non-verbal safewords
Sometimes, you might be doing something that makes speaking a safeword difficult or impossible! Gags are a good example – it’s hard to pronounce “Saskatchewan” around a rubber ball in your teeth.
In cases like this, a good plan is to have the bottom hold something in their hand, like a marble or a pen – something that will make a noise if they drop it. This has a double purpose. If the bottom needs to call their safeword, they can simply drop the object, of course. But it also works well if the bottom passes out, which can occasionally happen! (Ask how I know.)
Party safewords, and Mayday!
If you go to a dungeon or play party, there’s often a house safeword. Sometimes, this is simply “safeword.” Honor this safeword, even if you use different ones in your scenes. This helps keep the space safer for everyone.
In some communities, “Mayday!” is used when something goes very awry. For example: a dominant passes out or has another medical emergency; a submissive calls their safeword but the dominant doesn’t stop. It’s a great tool for a public space where, once in a great while, someone might need intervention from someone outside of their scene. Bonus: it’s a word that most people know means “Help, I’m in danger!”
Losing access to safewords
When in subspace, a submissive may become unable to say their safeword, even if they need to. Some subs may get so wrapped up in pride, shame, or other deep emotion that they feel incapable of saying it. Others go non-verbal for a number of reasons – roleplaying an animal, being in deep trance, or dissociating.
In cases like this, it is vitally important that tops pay close attention. When someone is in deep subspace, you want to watch their breathing (slow and deep is generally good; shallow or jagged can indicate distress). Tell them to look at you. Ask specific yes or no questions, or tell them what you’re going to do and require a response such as a clear nod or a hand squeeze. “Are you still with me?” “Do you need water?” “I’m going to put you on the floor now.” If the submissive can’t focus on your eyes or respond with a nod or hand squeeze, it’s best to gently bring the scene to an end (or at least a pause) and see what’s going on.
Safewords are a crucial part of staying safe in scene and are important for any beginner. They’re not just for beginners, either – ask any experienced and responsible player in BDSM. If an experienced player tries to tell you that you don’t need safewords, watch out – especially if they try to convince you that safewords mean you “don’t trust” them. Safewords aren’t like training wheels that you hope to get rid of once you’re “good enough.” They’re more like the bicycle’s brakes. Safewords are the most fundamental safety measures in kink, and we always want to keep the “fun” in “fundamental.” So get out there and ride, and use thy safewords!
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The idea with three colours is great!