Submission Safety Tips

Being submissive in the kink scene can feel like having a literal target on your back! If you’re new to the scene, meeting the right dominant can be tough – and being vulnerable to them, even tougher. The most critical thing in submission is always safety. Nothing in life worth doing can be guaranteed safe, but there are ways to control your scenes and explore D/s from the right side of the slash, so to speak.

Finding a Partner

From so-called professionals searching dating sites for paying submissives, to consent violators, to clueless narcissists, the world is full of people you should not let take control of your body for any length of time. But don’t despair! It is possible to meet the kind of people you can feel good kneeling for.

• Get Online to Get Offline. Fetish sites aren’t great for dating. But some sites (like PleazeMe!) organize interest groups. Find a group that feels right, join discussions, then go out to their workshops, pub crawls or parties. Even if you don’t meet a partner, you’ll meet people who know about other events you can attend. This is about plugging into a community – and that increases your safety, too.
• Local Munches. Meeting someone in a bar to take you home and tie you to the bed is not the best plan ever. Most cities, and even suburbs, have munches – explicitly non-sexual events for meeting kinksters in a public place. It’s also a good way to meet people who can give you the inside scoop on people you’re interested in.
• Conventions. There are tons of kinky conventions, with classes, parties and performances. Conventions can be a good place to meet potential partners, especially in classes, where you can assess people’s skill level in a low-pressure environment. Many cons have dungeon monitors in play spaces, helpful folks around the rest of the event, and other protections in place to help you have a kinky time! Go with friends for extra help in staying safe and having fun.

Check out our roundups of global events to find a sexy meet up on our Hot Events channel.

Red Flags

Say you’ve found somebody who’s hot and seems like they’d be fun to play with. Great! How can you tell they’re a good choice?

Often, the best people in the scene are the ones you’d never suspect – so they may take some patience to get to know. On the other hand, there are a lot of “types” that you can learn to identify and avoid:

• Lord/Lady High Domly McDomlypants. Is your prospective Sir or Mistress strutting, overconfident in their abilities, or expecting deference from you by default? Beware. They probably have their head too far up their own ass to be put in charge of yours.
• The Magnetic Predator. Meet somebody so damn sexy you can barely breathe near them? Notice how much they take advantage of that. Are they always pursuing? Negging or making you compete for their attention? Submission to this kind of person is likely not worth it.
• The Consent Violator. They may be unassuming and seem trustworthy, but they’ll usually test your boundaries in small ways to see if they can be trampled over later. Do they joke about doing something that you just named as a hard limit? Do they hug or touch you casually without asking? Use caution.
• The Overconfident Incompetent. Everybody is a newb once, but some refuse to admit it. If somebody is eager to do a rope suspension, hit you with canes, or do other play involving a high level of skill, make absolutely sure they know what they’re doing.

Setting the Scene

Once you’ve decided to become a sub for someone, there are several steps for making your encounter as safe as possible. Here’s a run-down of good practices, and things to watch out for.

• Choose your setting. Playing in public isn’t for everyone, but it can be safer for a first time. At a party or club, you have more of a buffer around you – possibly including dungeon monitors.
• Set up a safe call. If you do play in private, get a friend to be your safe call beforehand. Call or text them in front of your date and give them your exact location. Then tell them that if you don’t call or text again by a certain time, they should try calling first you, then the police. If having a safe call in place makes your new partner uncomfortable or insulted, leave and don’t turn back. This is a simple, time-honored safety measure among kinksters, and a good partner will recognize that you shouldn’t trust them right away.
• Negotiate. Before you play, have at least one conversation discussing your interests, limits, safewords, and goals for a first scene. Stay away from “heavier” things to start – whatever that means to you. It’s better to have a first scene go well and leave you wanting more than to risk having it go sideways because you don’t know each other well enough.
• Stick to the plan. Beware the dominant who negotiates for more mid-scene. Think of negotiating as making sober decisions for future, subspace you. If you agreed to get tied up and teased, but not for them to touch your genitals, they should not escalate – and neither should you! Remember: if this first scene goes well, you can go further next time!

Watching the Aftereffects

You met somebody great, you negotiated well, you stayed within boundaries, and you had an awesome time together. Congratulations!

There are still things to watch out for as you develop a D/s relationship. Luckily, a lot of them are the same things you’ve been watching out for so far. Be wary of a dominant who wants you to drop your limits for them. Be extremely careful with letting them control things about your personal life, like eating, sleeping, working, or socializing. These are all kink-able, to be sure – but should be considered varsity-level.

Basically, as you explore domination and submission from the right side of the slash, make sure you stay true to yourself even as you submit to someone else. Play safe – and, as always, have fun!

Have you checked out PleazeMe.com? It is a social media platform where adults can be adults. We created the 7 Worlds of PleazeMe so that every person would have a place to privately explore their sexuality with like-minded people.

We believe in love, sexuality, and the power of inclusion. People of all shapes and sizes, colors and ethnicities, genders and sexualities are valuable and deserve to feel included. Everyone should have a safe place they can go to connect, discover and express themselves without fear of being judged, censored or discriminated against.

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