Making Consent Sexy

Consent is the new black. On college campuses, in Hollywood, online and off, everybody is talking about it. We all need to communicate better about sex. But social conditioning, media images, and a lack of education get in the way. People tend to think that asking for and giving consent for sexytime just isn’t…well…sexy.

One problem is that people think of consent discussions as robotic exchanges. “May I please touch your left breast?” “Permission to proceed to pants removal?” “Initiate penetration protocol?” Worse, they use this absurd idea as an excuse not to teach or encourage consent in young people.

The truth is, there’s nothing sexier than enthusiastic consent – and done right, consent talk can be scorching instead of robotic. Whether you’re asking for a kiss, getting naked together, or steering your lover-in-progress to do what you’re craving, talking about it can actually make it hotter. With clear consent communication, you could be having more of what you want, less of what you don’t, and things you didn’t realize you needed. Here’s some ideas for how to do it (before you do it).

Sexy Consent Question: May I Kiss You?

The first kiss is usually the first move from hanging out to making out. Sometimes it happens at the end of the date, and sometimes it’s just the beginning of a steamy evening. Too often, it just happens, and is awkward – or doesn’t happen, because everyone is too shy to ask.

Asking can be scary – nobody likes rejection – but you can often tell when a kiss is in the cards. Standing or sitting close, eye contact (plus shy looking away), nervous smiles and laughter, and that fluttery feeling in your stomach can all be preludes to a kiss. But asking for consent doesn’t have to break the spell.

You can ask as simply as, “Can I kiss you?” I’ve also had a lovely encounter where I was going in for a kiss that was plainly very wanted, but before landing it, I whispered, “Yes?” They whispered back, “Yes,” with a slight gasp that seemed to draw me the rest of the way in. Remember: there’s nothing hotter than enthusiastic consent.

Other Scripts For Kissing Include:

Is this the part where we kiss?

I’ve been wanting to kiss you for hours. May I?

Kiss me…please…

I’d really like to kiss you now. (Wait for affirmative answer.)

If a kiss seems about to happen and you want it, but there hasn’t been a question, you can practice the other side of consent, too.

You want to kiss me, don’t you?

You can kiss me if you want to.

Yes, please.

Oh yeah you can kiss me.

Where you go from there is up to you, but starting from a baseline of sexy consent talk sets you up to keep going.

Let’s Do It

Everyone fantasizes about the perfect sex partner, who knows what we want and does it, without us saying a word. The trouble is, mind-reading isn’t real. Too often, media images give us the idea that a great lover just knows. But even the ones who pretend to usually don’t – unless you use your words.

Asking questions – or making requests! – as you ramp up a sexy exchange can put kindling on the spark between you. If you’re making out and things are getting hot and heavy, here’s some scripts for getting consent while keeping it fiery.

I want you. Do you want me?

You want to get out of these clothes?

Mmmhm. Do that harder…

That ass…I wanna squeeze it, can I?

Should I get a condom?

Some of the best dirty talk is consent talk in disguise: Oh yeah, do you like that? Do you want to touch it? What do you want? And of course, the classic, Yes, yes, God, YES!

Ask For What You Want: Let’s Do It…Like This

Sex doesn’t have to be all or nothing. If you want some things but not others, say so. Your partner, if they are respectful, will appreciate your clear signals. “Please can we kiss some more?” “I don’t want to take clothes off, but can I get on top of you?” “Can we take a breather?” “Let’s just keep doing this.” Expressing what you want is vulnerable, and vulnerability is sexy and fuels connection.

Steering the action toward more of what you want can be delicate, but when you make it a hot invitation rather than a rejection, it’s less likely to hurt your partner’s feelings. When you don’t want something, try offering an alternative that you do want. As a bonus, this method tells your partner more about how to make you happy.

Say you’re getting hot and heavy with someone, clothes are already off, and they’re moving down your body, but you don’t want them to go down on you. You don’t have to go into the reason in the moment – maybe you’re embarrassed, maybe you don’t have the right safer sex supplies, maybe oral is more intimate to you and needs more time.

There are plenty of ways to use your words to redirect without breaking momentum. You can put your hand gently in their hair, look in their eyes, and say, “Hey, I don’t want that right now. Can you come up here and kiss me again and use your hand instead?”

If that sounds too direct and harsh, there are other scripts:

Can we save [thing you don’t want right now] for later?

I loved what you were doing – can we do it some more?

Hang on - I want to do [different thing] to you instead!

Consent isn’t just a yes/no – it’s a creative and sexy tool for communicating your desires. Experiment with what works for you. The more you practice, the more you’ll get to know what you want – and hopefully, the more you’ll get it!