By Heather Montgomery
To open or not to open? That seems to be the question we NEED to ask ourselves, and a fair one at that, ideally BEFORE we enter into a sexual or intimate relationship. However, Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D. says, “it is never too late to ask the question and learn whether you are “built” for monogamy or open relationships.” Monogamy isn’t for everyone and open relationships aren’t for everyone. My biggest takeaway from the research and findings is that it’s extremely personal and complex. A commitment between people is as unique as the people involved. No two have the same fingerprint, DNA or iris scan, and no two relationships are the same. Hopefully, after consuming these resources you will be able to take a look, without shame, at what relationship style might work best for you.
In this article, we will cover current data research PleazeMe collected on what typical relationship styles people are enjoying. We reached out to two experts with Channels on PleazeMe, Zhana Vrangalova Ph.D. of Open Smarter, and Angelique Luna of Sex Positive Me, who are both professionals in the space that educate on and live in open relationship styles. We asked them for their definition of monogamish, and some words of wisdom to pass on. I hope that their answers to the following four questions will add more clarity around these relationship style options, so folks can make well-informed educated decisions, find resources, and trainings to navigate their relationship decisions and style choices.
We asked:
1. What is your definition of “Monogamish?”
2. What are some tips for a Monogamish person to speak to their partner/s about their relationship style?
3. What tips do you have for a couple, in which one person is Monogamish and the other is Monogamous?
4. How does living apart together (LAT) affect a Monogamish couple?
While doing research for this article, I watched a 2017 documentary called Monogamish, which had a number of great perspectives to consider. The societal censorship and judgement around sex complicates our access and understanding about sex and relationships. The quote from journalist Dan Savage eloquently summarizes the hypocrisy in society around sex,
“The culture says that sex is so unimportant that you shouldn’t prioritize it in a marriage, but sex is so hugely important that you can’t have it with anybody else.”~Dan Savage, Monogamish Documentary
As we grow up, many of us are taught that our role in life is to find a mate and procreate to perpetuate our species. Most of us are looking to have a partner(s) that we can build a relationship with to support our survival, raise our children, and to fulfill our need for love and pleasure. Many are taught Monogamy is the “ideal” or “expected” relationship style. However, our recent survey findings from PleazeMe’s intake data identifies that it’s not what the majority of PleazeMe Members think — as 43% of those surveyed identified “partially open” or “open” as their typical relationship style. While 31.4 % stated “monogamish” (combination of 23.8% “monogamish” and 7.6% “swinger”) and 8.9% “polyamourous.”
“PleazeMe data offers us insights into the true desires of people who are not only dating, but currently in committed relationships as 49% of the members surveyed stated they were either married or in a relationship. PleazeMe is a promising source of de-identified health and relationship data for us all as we navigate this thing called life,” says Heather Montgomery, Founder & CEO. “Our anonymous social media site for adults, focuses specifically on privately supporting users’ relationships with themselves, their partners, and with sexuality.”
There’s so much more research to come! In the meantime, we’re delighted to share our findings on a sampling of over 9,000 anonymous people by age, gender identity, and current relationship status, as it pertains to what percentage of people are interested in open vs. closed relationships.
What is your typical relationship style?
- Typical Relationship Style Percentages of All Questioned
Monogamish & Open vs. Monogamous: What goes into the decision making process?
One of my heroes in the realm of relationships and intimacy is Esther Perel. Esther is a Psychotherapist and New York Times bestselling author, and is recognized as one of today’s most insightful and original voices on modern relationships. She states on her site that the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives. I for one, couldn’t agree more!
In the documentary I mentioned earlier she states “I call it the shadow of the third, the third exists all the time. Whether in your fantasies, your memories or if you are open and you have a third person in your intimate life.”~Esther Perel, Monogamish Documentary
There are a couple of factors that we can’t ignore as human beings that support both sides of the discussion. On one hand, there are the biological factors, our desire to explore and seek novelty, our passions and our animal natures; on the other hand, we have the survival of the fittest, financial stability, raising children, and security considerations. It’s surely a personal decision and one that deserves to be made with information and not just the need to conform to other people’s beliefs or desires.
Let’s look at the current marriage and divorce statistics: about 40% to 50% of married couples in the United States get a divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher… that’s 1.1 million Americans every year. This statistic aligns perfectly with the research that was cited above. When you dive deeper into the statistics based on gender, 50% of men said their typical relationship style was open vs. 31% of women. For those who identify as Non-bianary, only 28.9% of them were interested in monogamous relationships. When it comes to the transgender community — we had a smaller sample of people — and it is interesting to note, the large difference in the amount of transgender women who state polyamory as their typical style, at 43.8% vs. the transgender men who had monogamish being the largest category at 57.1%. They were pretty close on how many of them wanted monogamy, at 25% for transgender women and 28.6% for transgender men.
With these numbers, it’s no wonder that we have such high divorce rates in this country. When we look at the usage data of dating apps we see that people are looking for fun, novelty, love, and in some cases, monogamy, and based on these statistics that percentage is likely to be less than 60% on average who want long-term monogamy.
- Typical Relationship Style Percentages by Gender Identity
Then there is the phenomenon of sexless marriages, which Newsweek estimates that about 15% to 20% of couples are in one. It looks as if the assumption that monogamy is the relationship style we default to is no longer the norm.
What are our views as we get older?
What we found fascinating about this research was the breakdown of the preferences by age group only. When you look at the percentages of those interested in monogamy, we found folks between the ages of 60-70 and 70-80 that had the lowest percentage of people interested in monogamy. Statistically significant! Of people who are 70+, we found 43% want some sort of monogamish relationship and for the 60-70 year olds it was 40% (we received this number by adding the monogamish & swinger data sets.) Dr. Zhana shares in the interview below that swingers are still monogamish, for the most part, because they are emotionally monogamous and sexually open — unless the swingers also consider themselves polyamourous. Unlike their younger counterparts, the 60-80 year olds also had the highest percentages of polyamory, of 13.7% and 11.9%, respectively.
- Typical Relationship Style Percentages by Age Groups
What exactly is monogamish? This is the burning question we set out to answer! Our experts shared some awesome tips for discussing relationship styles and how to change or set up these dynamics without ruining your current or prospective relationship.
Responses from experts:
From Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D. of Open Smarter:
1. What is your definition of “monogamish?”
A relationship type where there is a strong emphasis on the couple as the primary emotional/romantic unit, but where some small and/or infrequent forms of sexual nonexclusivity are allowed for one or both partners. Exactly what “small” or “infrequent” means will differ from couple to couple, and can range quite a bit. I think of monogamish as occupying the middle ground on the spectrum from complete monogamy to complete sexual and romantic nonmonogamy, and one that is the best fit for the majority of people. Some examples include couples that allow each other overt flirtation with others (but nothing more), going to a sex party but only playing with each other, kissing or making out with others (but nothing more), the occasional threesome, the occasional “hall pass” to have a 1-on-1 encounter with someone else while traveling, etc.
2. What are some tips for a monogamish person to speak to their partner/s about their relationship style?
The best way to approach a monogamish relationship is to communicate that the desires for opening up are not coming from a place of wanting to end the relationship or because there’s something wrong with it. That it’s about adding excitement, fun, and pleasure into your lives, in a way that will hopefully strengthen your bond rather than weaken it. Let your partner know you love them and value them, and provide as much reassurance as they need. Continue to make them feel special.
3. What tips do you have for a couple, in which one person is monogamish and the other is monogamous?
This is certainly possible, it all depends on what the two people want and are ok with the other person doing. I’d say it’s important to ensure that the monogamous person is comfortable with that arrangement, and clearly establish what the boundaries of the openness for the monogamish person are. There should also be clear agreements around the amount and timing of disclosure about what the monogamish partner is doing with others - how much do you truly want to know?
4. How does living apart together (LAT) affect a monogamish couple?
LAT couples are becoming increasingly common (and for a good reason: lots of benefits there!) and that can make a monogamish arrangement easier in some ways, especially if part of the openness involves partners having their outside sexcapades on their own and/or they don’t want to know too much about each others’ adventures. For monogamish couples who only play together, living together or apart shouldn’t make too much of a difference.
Check out the full Face to Face interview with Dr. Zhana
Register for the live event on June 22nd at 8:30 pm EST to 10:00 pm EST where we will be giving away great prizes! You must attend to win!
If you can’t attend the live event you can get the multimedia ticket to access the recording.
Follow the Open Smarter Channel on PleazeMe!
Take The Open Smarter Course! Use the Code PleazeMe30 for a 30% discount on the course!
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From Angelique Luna of Sex Positive Me:
1. What is your definition of “monogamish?”
We would define monogamish as people, who are partnered, and consider themselves monogamous 95% of the time. However they allow for sexual activities outside of their relationship under certain predefined & agreed upon situations.
Ex: What happens in Vegas…
A couple may allow for 3 or 4 some to occur when they are on vacation in Las Vegas, but normally practice monogamy.
2. What are some tips for a monogamish person to speak to their partner/s about their relationship style?
Learn to communicate clearly about this agreement with your partner. If you are serious about relaxing your monogamous ways while on a vacation or under certain circumstances, be sure both of you know this is “for real” and not just a fantasy being vocalized. No one ever wants to hear “Well I didn’t actually think you’d do it!” from their partner. Don’t use euphemisms, be direct and detailed. Ask for clarification on any questions. Exercise patience and establish a judgement-free zone.
3. What tips do you have for a couple, in which one person is monogamish and the other is monogamous?
This is always a tough situation. Some people are just wired for monogamy while others are not. Neither lifestyle is right or wrong, just different. When these different people become partners, one of them must compromise for the relationship to succeed. Either the monogamous person must accept their partner’s lifestyle and work out an agreement, or the monogamish partner must commit to monogamy. Regularless, the agreement must be mutual and not leave either partner with resentment towards the other.
4. How does living apart together (LAT) affect a monogamish couple?
Although refraining from sex over a short period of time is common and usually fine, extended period of time without intimacy can have negative effects on most people physically, mentally and emotionally. As we live in a world where we are encouraged and almost expected to make sacrifices for our careers and our education, situations arise where a partnered couple may be required to spend months or even years living in different cities or countries. Being monogamish allows a partner to engage in flirting, conversations, intimacy and even sex with an outside party with the expectation of it being temporary. We highly recommend being truthful to both your current and temporary partners. This outlet, if mutually agreed upon, can relieve the tension and frustration of being apart from your primary partner.
Check out Sex Positive Me on PleazeMe!
Check out where to listen to SexPositiveMe’s Podcast
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Research & Evolution of Relationships, Intimacy & Sexuality
The anonymous nature of PleazeMe provides the best opportunity for members to feel comfortable answering questions honestly about their private sex life. Before accessing your membership on the platform, each member answers 10 questions about their preferences and desired relationship goals. Each member is then categorized as having one of seven different sexual styles. These correspond to the seven Worlds of PleazeMe. This world assignment serves to educate Members about their own sexual style, while also ensuring they will have the best chance at interacting with relevant content and with other Members of similar sexual preferences. The fact that their user experience on the platform is based on their honest answers during the sexual analysis, further increases the integrity of the data.
In today’s world, the goal posts are moving on what it means to be committed and how people are designing their lives together. As a tech leader in sexuality & relationships we will utilize the anonymous data to serve our Members and humanity as we evolve into new ways of relating to sex and our partners. As an anonymous Member, you will have access to all the newest research and resources available!
Current Research & Future Findings
- Which preferences and demographics of people are most interested in open and closed forms of relationships and sex?
- Likelihood of success with monogamy based on strength of fantasy of having multiple partners?
- Which sexual preferences are the best predictors of the likelihood that a relationship will be successful?
- How do sexual preferences, relationship styles, and beliefs about sexuality vary by generation and gender?
We invite you to be part of the PleazeMe community, so you can actively help yourself and the world to better understand our intimate needs and desires! As the Founder and CEO of PleazeMe, it’s my life’s mission to support people’s needs in this private area of life, so they can design their relationships to achieve their personal and professional goals and dreams. By taking the PleazeMe analysis and learning your Sex Sign, you will better understand your sexual preferences and how to express your desires and needs. By taking Dr. Zhana’s analysis you will be able to understand which relationship style best suits your personality and your desires. If open relationships are a match for you, then you will definitely benefit from taking the Open Smarter course!
Information reigns and knowledge is power — go forth and prosper sexually!
Have you checked out PleazeMe.com? It is a social media platform where adults can be adults. We created the 7 Worlds of PleazeMe so that every person would have a place to privately explore their sexuality with like-minded people.
We believe in love, sexuality, and the power of inclusion. People of all shapes and sizes, colors and ethnicities, genders and sexualities are valuable and deserve to feel included. Everyone should have a safe place they can go to connect, discover and express themselves without fear of being judged, censored or discriminated against.
Take Me There!
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This is serious research that gives us a more objective view of current trends in relationships.