The Beginner’s Guide to Bondage: Safety Tips

Personal question: Have you ever thought about being tied up by a lover? Have you fantasized about the feel of bonds on your skin, being unable to move, at the mercy of someone you trust? Or perhaps you imagine being the one in control, standing over your submissive, choosing whether to give pleasure or pain …

If that scene has ever appeared in your bedroom fantasies, you’re not alone. Tying someone up or being tied up, is one of the most commonly tried kinky activities. According to a recent survey by Durex, 36% of people have done it at least once. This means one of your last three partners would have been open to the idea (and maybe hoping you would bring it up).

It can be a night of lighthearted fun, an intensely erotic experience, or a way to create deep intimacy with a long-term partner. But it takes some knowledge and preparation to ensure a good time for everyone involved. This is no time to wing it and hope for the best, unless your idea of a successful date includes an awkward conversation with an ER nurse. So let’s review some helpful first-time tips for before, during, and after bondage.

Before You Try Bondage…

Pick Someone Trustworthy

This is not something to try with the cutie you picked up at the club. Even light bondage carries some risk. Make sure your partner is someone you trust to take care of you when you’re vulnerable and to be honest about their limits. Don’t assume your new friend knows everything (or anything) just because you met them on a bondage website. The world is full of poseurs and bondage poseurs can hurt you. Do your due diligence. (To get more grounded in the lingo, read about the differences between a dominant, submissive, sadist and masochist.)

Be Sober

Too drunk to drive = Too drunk to tie.

Negotiate

In the movies, bondage usually happens like this: The too-good-to-be-true hottie our hero has hooked up with shows a surprise wild side! She whips out a pair of fluffy pink handcuffs and fastens him to the bedpost without a word.

It’s worth remembering that this scene often ends with him comedically left alone, trapped and helplessly calling her name. Sure, it’s funny, but what if there’s a fire? In real life, responsible people make sure they’re on the same page before anyone gets cuffed.This process is called negotiation.

Before you place the first knot, there are some things to consider and discuss.

1. 1. The physical health of the person to be restrained. Do they have any conditions or take any medications which might interfere with circulation or increase the risk of heart problems? Do they have any injuries? Don’t assume that someone who looks fine is fine.
   2. Their mental health. Are they a trauma survivor? Prone to panic attacks? Are there any potential triggers to be aware of?
   3. What do you each want? If you want to be called a dirty slut or spit on your companion, by all means say so! This is no time to be shy. Being upfront (but not pushy) about your desires inspires trust. And trust inspires submission.
   4. What are your limits? Limits are absolute no-nos. Someone who’s been strangled may have a problem with your hand over their neck. Someone else may react negatively to being called “stupid.” You don’t need to understand another person’s limits. You just need to respect them.

Safeword!!!

Now that you’ve discussed the stuff you know — i.e, I have chronic back problems, I hate having my nipples touched, and I’d like to be made to bark like a dog (which is, um, just a totally random example) — it’s time to make a plan for the stuff you don’t know. Which, for a first-timer, is everything. Until someone smacks you with a rolled-up copy of Dog Fancy, you just don’t know how you’ll react. If it stops being fun, you need a safeword, which is a signal you can use to stop the action. It’s best if it’s something non-sexual like “Pineapple” or “Boomerang” or “Macarena.”

It’s also helpful to have a careword, something to pause the action without stopping it. This allows a bound person to request a sip of water or ask for a slight adjustment to a bond. If you plan to use a gag, agree on a safe signal rather than a safeword.

Do not pass go until you have clearly worked this out with your partner.

Now that we’ve negotiated our boundaries and worked out an emergency plan, we’re ready to start tying.

During Your First Bondage Experience

Start Simple

Perfect one or two simple knots, such as a Single Column Tie or Half Hitch, before trying anything more advanced.

Start With What You’ve Got

No need to invest in special gear. The sash of a terrycloth robe works. So does a cotton necktie. If you’re using rope, use new rope. Nylon is good. Half inch thickness works. Shorter is better. Do not tie a person with anything that could tear skin or leave splinters.

Start Slow

• Never ever tie a person around the neck.
• Keep the hands lower than the heart.
• Avoid putting pressure on knees, joints, or major arteries.
• Never tie a person so tightly that you can’t easily slip two fingers under the bond.
• Remember that if a person can’t move freely, they need your protection. Imagine being unable to use your arms to break a fall. Don’t let that happen to your partner.
• Never make a tie you can’t quickly cut someone out of in an emergency. Medical scissors cost eight bucks. Get some.
• Never leave a bound person alone.
• Never cross or violate stated limits. Never ignore a safeword.
• Always pee before someone ties you up.
• Always take care with rope ends. They tend to fly and can cause injury to the face or eyes.
• Always monitor a bound person. Bondage is not a set-it-and-forget-it situation. You must constantly check to make sure all is well. Pins and needles means the bound person needs to change position or wiggle. Loss of feeling or unclear speech mean game over. Remove the bonds immediately to prevent serious injury.
• Keep the first session short – no more than thirty minutes with five minutes reserved for untying. In theater there’s a rule about “leave them wanting more.” The rule also applies to bondage scenes. If you both liked it you can always do more next time!
• Always keep a well-charged cell phone within the bound person’s reach. Because you just never know.
• Remember that the person being restrained needs to protect themselves. Giving someone power over us can be intensely arousing and impair our judgement, leading to heat-of-the-moment choices that we later regret. Never allow anyone to push past your stated boundaries. Never endure anything that is unpleasant. And always speak up if you need help. If you’re having trouble breathing or can’t feel your toes, say so. Even the most experienced of Dominants is not actually inside your mind (though it sure can feel that way). You must communicate your needs in order to stay safe.

After you’re done, you’re not done …

Bondage Aftercare

First things first. If you did the binding, find out what your partner needs and give it to them. Some people need snuggles and tea. Some need peace, quiet, and space. Nearly everyone needs something so pay attention and be generous. Pamper them.

Once they feel ready (and this could take a day or two), talk about what worked and what didn’t. Keep an open mind. Celebrate the successes. Learn from the mistakes. (there will be mistakes so try not to take them personally). Bondage is a deeply individual experience and learning what works for you and anyone else is a process. Enjoy that process.

Done responsibly and thoughtfully, bondage can be a highly rewarding shared experience. It can relieve stress, lead to mind-blowing orgasms, and create unimaginable closeness between people. So if you’re intrigued, be adventurous, safe, and honest. And go for it!

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We believe in love, sexuality, and the power of inclusion. People of all shapes and sizes, colors and ethnicities, genders and sexualities are valuable and deserve to feel included. Everyone should have a safe place they can go to connect, discover and express themselves without fear of being judged, censored or discriminated against.

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